Gone Too Soon

November 7th, 2022. A day to remember for the rest of my living days.

We've all lost someone we love to cancer. I will never understand it to this day. I don't understand the how, the why, the many different levels and severities of the disease and why those loved ones are called home too soon. I don't think any of us understand it. Am I right?

My best friend of 31 years was gone too soon. One year ago today, she was called home. She fought the disease as hard as she possibly could and the disease won.

She was the most loving, kind and caring person I knew. She loved to make people smile. She always looked at the positive side of all things. Her smile was contagious and her sportsmanship was unheard of. She was inducted into San Francisco State University's hall of fame because she was hands down, the most amazing softball player and all-around athlete. The article and statistics released by San Francisco were as follows:

A four-time All-CCAA selection, the Oakley native was part of the 2005 softball team that was inducted into the SF State Athletics Hall of Fame in September 2022.

As a junior, she garnered All-CCAA Honorable Mention and as a senior was named to the All-CCAA Second Team and to the Athletic Department Honor Roll. In her senior campaign, Freemer batted a team-leading .350 and tied fellow All-CCAA honoree Kendra Wood for the team lead with seven home runs and 48 hits.

Freemer remains the Gators' career leader with 33 home runs, 137 RBI, 152 runs scored, and is tied for first with 98 walks.

The full article can be read here; but she was astonishing. Remembering her today (and always) brings up so many emotions and memories. It feels as if it were yesterday I was holding her hand one last time. I talked to her about my 6th birthday party. We bobbed for apples (because that was the best game at birthday parties growing up in our era), we did pony rides, and all the little girl things. We were in dance class together and had hair down to our butt's. I'll always remember when she cut all of hers off.

I actually decided to trim my little girl's hair and give her, her first ever hair cut on Jordanna's birthday this year April 16th, 2023. I cried for so many different reasons. I was still grieving. As tears streamed down my face with each cut I made, I realized in that time, Jordanna was there with me. She comforted me and told me that change is ok. She also told me that grieving is ok and she understands why I am still hurting. It's ok to not be ok.

Grieving takes time. It takes patience. Losing someone is never an easy feat. Give yourself grace in not being ok.

I remember the early mornings we always had growing up. Your mom was your biggest fan and supporter. Your dad was always there to coach. Your mom always had the car locked and loaded for your early morning soccer and softball games. I was always riding along as support and of course the snacks your mom packed. It was pretty awesome to watch you always in play. I was like the pesky little sister your brother JJ never had. You were my MVP, Jordanna.

You had your days of struggle, as we all did in high school. We had that hormonal acne, braces that we couldn't stand having, menstrual cycles that we all hated. Wearing padded diapers in spandex for volleyball games was quite overwhelming ;-)

We had our letter books! We wrote to each other every. single. day. We wrote about our teachers, our struggles, the boys we liked, what we've been up to since seeing each other at school and at sports practices wasn't enough. We talked about being teacher's assistants and personal struggles. It was our personal diary and I wish I still had that to look through.

I remember your personal motto was always just "who cares? Live your life and be yourself."

I remember when I made the Junior Varsity volleyball team as my first-time ever playing volleyball freshman year in high school and you were the only one that didn't gossip about it and question why. I had told you I felt bad. I felt guilty because there were several that were older and more experienced than I was that didn't make the cut completely or were placed on a freshman team. Your response was "who cares what everyone else says. You made that team for a reason. Do it. If you feel uncomfortable, take a step down if you need to."

Jordanna was wise beyond her years and was always that team player. She encouraged you to do better, to be better and not to worry about the small things. Her words were always so graceful and embracing of your feelings. She had a way of comforting you by just simply being there and that's what I felt when I held her hand for the last time.

It's a strange day. Grief is strange. Loss changes your entire perspective. I'll be 100% transparent, losing Jordanna has frightened me in many ways and has me better prepared in others. I am forever grateful I could be in her presence during her last days. I checked in with her every single day of her journey and I of course wish I checked in with her every single day of her life. It would've been a little smothering, but often times, that's how besties are.

Every time I contract sickness, or a virus I think of you. Why? Because it's perspective. While life may not be going in all of the directions I'm needing it to go, while I am feeling down, sad, overwhelmed, ill, fatigued or sick - I am thankful my body is able to fight right now because it may not be able to fight forever. All of the things you encountered on your journey, your strengths, your mental capability of overcoming every single hospital visit which was becoming weekly, your response was always "I'm doing ok!" When in reality, you truly just didn't want to burden anyone with sadness. That's who you were. You never wanted anyone to feel burdened by your journey.

I remember we had to sit by each other on our way home after every volleyball game. We did our hair the same, we traded CD's to switch in our disc mans, to pump ourselves up before each game. Missy Elliott songs and Peaches & Cream will forever remind me of you.

With sadness, Jordanna was taken too soon. she was only 36 years young and still so full of life. I still ask all of that "what if's". What if we caught it sooner? What if further supplementation and therapies would've changed anything? What if, what if, what if.

If you've lost a loved one and care to share your story, I am an open heart and ears. If you are feeling overwhelmed with loss or you're grieving, you are never alone. If you are battling and need someone to chat with, I am forever here for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me any time.