Things Remembered

Do you ever think about your childhood? Regardless of your age. Are there certain things you come across on a daily basis? If not a daily basis, possibly a weekly, monthly, annual basis?

I remember things about my childhood all the time. I'll be honest with you - I remember more things from my childhood that are triggering than "amazingly happy" memories. Let me just say, that's ok! It's not a bad thing for you to be reminded and let me tell you why. Our minds are a crazy place and reminders although often times triggering and saddening, they are reminders for a reason.

They could be reminders to your current day that you know you will not repeat as a person or as a parent. They are memories that have taught you lessons. They are memories that may be heart wrenching but they taught you something. For me, it's a real raw memory of who I don't want to be as a parent and as an individual.

You see, I thought the way I grew up was normal. And yes, to a certain extent - in the 80's it was normal! I was a great, happy kid. I played outside ALL day. I lived for the outdoors. I spent countless hours in my backyard, running amuck, frolicking in the grass, jumping on the trampoline to perfect my back flips I taught myself, ran in circles and through sprinklers. I lived in the country where the closest grocery store was 15 miles away. I had chickens, goats, horses. Hell, I even had a pony to ride! Every girl's dream, right? I had a gorgeous home on acres of land. I craved outdoor time on the ride-on lawn mower. That was my happy quiet place. I had THREE neighbors. Three! If you can imagine, school fundraising was very difficult, but I sold as many magazines and candy as I could and they were the best neighbors.

What most didn't see is the hurt. Intense fear that was consistently instilled in my mind. We're talking scared to rest after school because you'd be scolded and asked why you were resting. Emotional and verbal abuse that was practiced in the home daily. Constant rage and anger that was consistently expressed.

As tears would stream down my face, slowly blinking and wishing I could instantly be somewhere else, I'd be yelled at with the piercing question of " WHY ARE YOU CRYING!?"

Don't get me wrong, I was raised to be strong. The strength I have as an individual is obscene. However, I am here to tell you as I have removed myself from that toxicity for the past 6 years, I have slowly been breaking down piece by piece. It is amazing how things remembered can trigger something so large. Something that didn't appear to be so detrimental at the time, you recognize as an adult how and why it was so detrimental to your well being now. You realize why you are the way you are today.

I was taught not to cry. Not to feel. If I cried, I was weak! If was sad, I was weak! If I received a "B-" in school, I needed to try harder, work harder, be better. I was taught not to take any shit from anyone (which is a great attribute to have) . I was taught to always put others first. It's no wonder I was always down on myself.

I remember playing volleyball in high school. I would get so down and mad at myself for making a mistake. It was a volleyball game! People make mistakes. Those actions were followed by confusing corrections. Constant questions asking me why I had such a bad attitude, and to let myself make mistakes. This was coming from the same parent that instilled in my mind that I was weak and not good enough.

As I've done healing and I'm consistently working on creating space for new adventures and memories to be had, I've had some crushing times. But in my time of parenting, I am also learning that parenting is HARD. It's very difficult to teach lessons, discipline with consequences yet be nurturing and loving along the way while still getting that message across. Especially when you're over worked, exhausted and over stimulated on a daily basis. I will say though, when it comes to teaching my little ones lessons, those things remembered helps me be better person. A better parent. A better wife. I know the moment it happens because it's a trigger and a reminder of my childhood in how I felt in those very moments. Although those lessons left a permanent scar on my heart, I am also a better person because of it.

I challenge you today, to think about your life. Take a moment and reflect on who you've become. It may bring in emotions you weren't expecting but what comes to mind were lessons learned and you have definitely grown. Give yourself a hug, give yourself a pat on the back for understanding, for reflecting. Although you may not fully know who you are now, this is life and it's happening right in front of us. It's never too late to make a change and we are all continuing this journey in learning exactly who we are.